smote-ed

i've been kicked off!

no more personal internet at work.

no internet at home.

see ya later internet!

last night I took the two joannes gift cards i had been hoarding, went to joannes and got tons of paint supplies, and i still have $1 left on one card!  yay!  

then i painted, cause I had been thinking/praying about painting. i was thinking it would be really amazing to journal a painting once a week or so.  a way of recording my spiritual growth through images.  plus, God gave me this talent, and my hope is that one day i will be able to sell my art for moderaly large sums of money and give all the money away.  i'm excited.
i'm always hesitant to paint because i'm not sure it's what God wants me to be doing at any given point in time.  but, God and I both know how easily i am discouraged when it comes to painting, that if i mess up one thing, which is really easy with water color, it's rather unforgiving at times, i'll get mad and quit.  however, the last 4 or 5 times i've painted they have come out beautiful.  especially the two horse paintings i did.  one was an amazing painting of a white horse.  i like painting things I know really really well, like horses and jeremy.  i digress...  last night i also had this act with God, hesitation but trust that He would show me on no uncertain terms if this is what I should not be doing.  but my painting is coming along very nice.  it's quit different from anything i've done before, but then, they ussually are quite different. 

then jeremy got home from practice and was really dissapointed and mad.  and hungry.  but he wouldn't eat anything when we got home.  so i told him we would wake up super early and go to denny's before work.  and we did!  and it was yummy!  and he was so energized and happy after eating.  (he hadn't eaten more than two tiny meals in two days)  

things are good.  i'm painting again, jeremy is eating again, and the best part:  i got lotsa supplies i needed but didn't pay a cent!

so i've become the confedant of a girl in the warehouse who is having trouble with the warehouse supervisor.  she's suspicious of people and getting really worried about every little thing people are saying because the warehouse supervisor has been saying things that aren't true to the warehouse manger.  she's just suspicious of everyone now.  and i'm her confedant for all these things.

i want to be supportive, however, I also don't want to gossip.  and I'm honestly not sure what gossip is really.

wkikpedia says a lot of stuff on gossip.

and so, here i am.  she needs a friend here to get frustrations out with and to laugh with and we do that.  i need to find out where the boundary lies between talking and sharing and being intimate friends and gossip and slander.  

i just thought:  this is why i don't have a ton of friends, cause any time peole start to get close i pull out for reasons like this.

grrr...  hello rock, hello hard place.

ok.

so how come, when there is a huge tragedy and people die and people mourn that all of a sudden out of no where...

"our prayers and thoughts are with you"

comes streaming, ussually word for word or very slightly altered from every major coperation, journalist, politician, everyone, even on down to little local stores and regular joe type people.  it just comes up from all over.

who are they praying to?  the bible says God turns His ear away from those who do not know Him, aka meet with Him regularly, know Him like a father, a master, a friend.

and no one says a word.  not one 'You Can't Pray' word.

sad, but true:  I can't judge, because I'm not God, and knew nothing about those that died, but odds are statistics point out that  undoubtedly some of those people did not go to heaven and were not sure of their eternity.  But, they still say we'll pray for the families and they still say they'll see them in heaven.  And, still, people will not turn to God.  I wonder how many blind eyes read Job and didn't get it.  I'm not always sure that I do, but no one talks about that book when people die.  or what about all the times in the Old Testament that God enabled people to be killed, put into slavery, conquered by their enemies, and all in trying to make them see.

grrr...  tragedy makes me so mad at the blind.  mad when it happens to Christians because the blind cannot see the life that the dead lived, the place the dead went and that all of this is reason for rejoicing. rejoicing because they ran the good race, because when they died they were running, they were not at a point where they stopped running, they were not lost on the way to the race track, they were not siting on the sidelines talking about how everyone's race is going but their own, they were running.  and they crossed their finish line and ran right into the arms of God.  and I get mad because the blind they just pat eachother on the back and say that's life, they just push away the feelings, go back to being numb and I want to scream at them.  IT IS NOT SAD!  IT IS NOT SOMETHING TO JUST GET OVER!  IT IS HARD, BUT WE HAVE GOD.  IT IS DIFFICULT, BUT WE WILL GET TO HEAVEN TOO.  AND HEAVEN, IS COMPLETELY TANGIBLE, COMPLETELY REAL, COMPLETELY PERFECT!  it's like graduating early.  you leave your friends behind and there are tears, and there is a loss of what to do without that person, but we'll all graduate some day.  and some of us are going to the same college and the same dorm in the most amazing place created.

and I get mad when death happens to the blind, because hope is lost.  from what i understand about Revelations, the dead will have a day when Christ returns again that will be like a second chance.  I could be mistaken.  but what lies for the blind that have died between now and then?  hell.  and what lies for those who are still blind at the second coming?  hell forever.

but it didn't have to do hell at all.

where does death fit in spiritual warfare?  it's the end of the war.  because the war is over each and every one of us.  and when ou die, it has nothing to do with which side has had you as it's camp in the past.  it matters to which side do you belong when you die?

gravity why ca't we seem to keep it together...

i keep learning little things about the people I work with.

really bad things.

like that so and so is really, really nice to everyone, but as soon as you leave he talks really bad about you.

and he was the nicest one.  

blah.  no wonder i'm having so much trouble not saying bad things about people.  i'm completely, and totally surrounded by more than gossip, more than anger, more than annoyance at eachother.

it's evil.  and over the last year or two i've come to see this place as a huge spiritual warzone.  and, over time, i've forgotten, and, over time, i've been corrupted.

time to be really cautious.  step off the slippery slope.  just say NO!

_____________________________________

i've never been with people who gossip.  never.  except my mom, but it was just her for the vast majority.

oh i hope all those proverbs sink in.
i think i'll take every break in my car, even if it is 120 degrees in the shade in august...  it's worth it.

i had the best dream last night.  my best friend came to know Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior.  it was amazing.  it was beautiful.  it gives me hope.

our computer system is pretty amazing.

it makes life really simple.

until you make a really simple mistake, and then, POW! BAM! WOMP!  this error screen pops up with this foreign SQL language and you can't do anything, cept look around, and only sometimes can you even look around.  

I told my boss, I think that instead of giving us error messages, the system should just throw up those crazy and colorful POW! BAM! WOMP! signs, just like in the old Batman and Robin show.

that'd be so amazing.  

but, my boss doesn't think so.  she thinks she'd get scared and then angry, but at least now it gives you some coded reason for it's never ending wrath.

______________________________________

this makes me happy.  Why?  because I get to read my bible for the rest of the day, yay!

i feel this huge wave of apologizing for everything, from my past, to my existence, coming on.  i even feel like apologizing for writing this.  sorry to burden you with, myself?

(i want to read my bible allllll daaaaaayyyy...)

highs:

-BC1 went real well
-most awesome / Christian / blessed funeral I've ever been to.
-really, really good food.  (i cooked a lot)
-our video was not played at church
-my mom came over and i helped her make a poster
-hung out with david and theresa


lows:

-jeremy had to work on and off all weekend
-the funeral, was a funeral
-missed pancake breakfast/praying
-fought with jer some
-got phycially and emotionally sick listening to my mom
-no room was made for God
-our video was not played at church

that's it!