smote-ed

adios!

2007-04-23T14:11:35Z

i've been kicked off!

no more personal internet at work.

no internet at home.

see ya later internet!

in super awesome news...

2007-04-20T16:35:50Z

last night I took the two joannes gift cards i had been hoarding, went to joannes and got tons of paint supplies, and i still have $1 left on one card! yay!

then i painted, cause I had been thinking/praying about painting. i was thinking it would be really amazing to journal a painting once a week or so. a way of recording my spiritual growth through images. plus, God gave me this talent, and my hope is that one day i will be able to sell my art for moderaly large sums of money and give all the money away. i'm excited.
i'm always hesitant to paint because i'm not sure it's what God wants me to be doing at any given point in time. but, God and I both know how easily i am discouraged when it comes to painting, that if i mess up one thing, which is really easy with water color, it's rather unforgiving at times, i'll get mad and quit. however, the last 4 or 5 times i've painted they have come out beautiful. especially the two horse paintings i did. one was an amazing painting of a white horse. i like painting things I know really really well, like horses and jeremy. i digress... last night i also had this act with God, hesitation but trust that He would show me on no uncertain terms if this is what I should not be doing. but my painting is coming along very nice. it's quit different from anything i've done before, but then, they ussually are quite different.

then jeremy got home from practice and was really dissapointed and mad. and hungry. but he wouldn't eat anything when we got home. so i told him we would wake up super early and go to denny's before work. and we did! and it was yummy! and he was so energized and happy after eating. (he hadn't eaten more than two tiny meals in two days)

things are good. i'm painting again, jeremy is eating again, and the best part: i got lotsa supplies i needed but didn't pay a cent!

ay yai yai...

2007-04-20T16:23:25Z

so i've become the confedant of a girl in the warehouse who is having trouble with the warehouse supervisor. she's suspicious of people and getting really worried about every little thing people are saying because the warehouse supervisor has been saying things that aren't true to the warehouse manger. she's just suspicious of everyone now. and i'm her confedant for all these things.

i want to be supportive, however, I also don't want to gossip. and I'm honestly not sure what gossip is really.

wkikpedia says a lot of stuff on gossip.

and so, here i am. she needs a friend here to get frustrations out with and to laugh with and we do that. i need to find out where the boundary lies between talking and sharing and being intimate friends and gossip and slander.

i just thought: this is why i don't have a ton of friends, cause any time peole start to get close i pull out for reasons like this.

grrr... hello rock, hello hard place.

what can i say, my boss isn't giving me work to do this afternoon...

2007-04-18T21:51:01Z

ok.

so last night i'm at target, i spend $75, i bought a tube top, makeup and other things i shouldn't have bought. while shoping for nail polish, i found one i really, really liked and looked at the name of the color: "sin" just sin, not sinful. my thought dirently after whoa, that's wierd "i know God, I know, but i have my reasons"

fyi: when jer got home, we returned $50 worth of stuff, then went to Ross and spent $30, because I originally wanted some clothing choices for work that did not make me feel like I was just hanging out with friends, in an effort to try to treat work my professionally, which includes not gossiping, redefineing my work ethic, and being more patient.

flash forward to today at lunch: i go out to eat because I didn't want to make jeremy late for the train again. i'm sitting in my car in the line at the drive through. i'm listening to christian radio. i'm pulling out my bible to contemplate proverbs 26:20-22. there's a man on foot talking to a man in a car with his window rolled down. the conversation is short, the window rolls up. this repeats for the car after him, when it dawns on me that he is looking for money. I pretend not to see him. he taps on my window. i roll it down, he asks for spare change, "i don't carry cash" he moves on.

i look at my bible and remember the proverb about giving to the poor hanging in my living room. i contemplate the fact i was told by either a home less person or someone who works right with the homeless: homeless people looking for money are into drugs. homeless people looking for food, cans and bottles and the like, are just hungry.

then i remember my cat story - i talked to my neighbor for at least an hour and once, just once, i heard, give Joe your cat, and thought, no, she's not cuddly enough.

there was no voice this time.

but i should have offered to buy him something to eat. but i didn't. so, i prayed, that God would open my eyes when my reflexes tell me to close them.

grr whats up with that!

2007-04-18T21:26:36Z

so how come, when there is a huge tragedy and people die and people mourn that all of a sudden out of no where...

"our prayers and thoughts are with you"

comes streaming, ussually word for word or very slightly altered from every major coperation, journalist, politician, everyone, even on down to little local stores and regular joe type people. it just comes up from all over.

who are they praying to? the bible says God turns His ear away from those who do not know Him, aka meet with Him regularly, know Him like a father, a master, a friend.

and no one says a word. not one 'You Can't Pray' word.

sad, but true: I can't judge, because I'm not God, and knew nothing about those that died, but odds are statistics point out that undoubtedly some of those people did not go to heaven and were not sure of their eternity. But, they still say we'll pray for the families and they still say they'll see them in heaven. And, still, people will not turn to God. I wonder how many blind eyes read Job and didn't get it. I'm not always sure that I do, but no one talks about that book when people die. or what about all the times in the Old Testament that God enabled people to be killed, put into slavery, conquered by their enemies, and all in trying to make them see.

grrr... tragedy makes me so mad at the blind. mad when it happens to Christians because the blind cannot see the life that the dead lived, the place the dead went and that all of this is reason for rejoicing. rejoicing because they ran the good race, because when they died they were running, they were not at a point where they stopped running, they were not lost on the way to the race track, they were not siting on the sidelines talking about how everyone's race is going but their own, they were running. and they crossed their finish line and ran right into the arms of God. and I get mad because the blind they just pat eachother on the back and say that's life, they just push away the feelings, go back to being numb and I want to scream at them. IT IS NOT SAD! IT IS NOT SOMETHING TO JUST GET OVER! IT IS HARD, BUT WE HAVE GOD. IT IS DIFFICULT, BUT WE WILL GET TO HEAVEN TOO. AND HEAVEN, IS COMPLETELY TANGIBLE, COMPLETELY REAL, COMPLETELY PERFECT! it's like graduating early. you leave your friends behind and there are tears, and there is a loss of what to do without that person, but we'll all graduate some day. and some of us are going to the same college and the same dorm in the most amazing place created.

and I get mad when death happens to the blind, because hope is lost. from what i understand about Revelations, the dead will have a day when Christ returns again that will be like a second chance. I could be mistaken. but what lies for the blind that have died between now and then? hell. and what lies for those who are still blind at the second coming? hell forever.

but it didn't have to do hell at all.

where does death fit in spiritual warfare? it's the end of the war. because the war is over each and every one of us. and when ou die, it has nothing to do with which side has had you as it's camp in the past. it matters to which side do you belong when you die?

gravity why ca't we seem to keep it together...

oh man...

2007-04-17T16:24:36Z

i keep learning little things about the people I work with.

really bad things.

like that so and so is really, really nice to everyone, but as soon as you leave he talks really bad about you.

and he was the nicest one.

blah. no wonder i'm having so much trouble not saying bad things about people. i'm completely, and totally surrounded by more than gossip, more than anger, more than annoyance at eachother.

it's evil. and over the last year or two i've come to see this place as a huge spiritual warzone. and, over time, i've forgotten, and, over time, i've been corrupted.

time to be really cautious. step off the slippery slope. just say NO!

_____________________________________

i've never been with people who gossip. never. except my mom, but it was just her for the vast majority.

oh i hope all those proverbs sink in.
i think i'll take every break in my car, even if it is 120 degrees in the shade in august... it's worth it.

the sweetest dream

2007-04-17T15:48:09Z

i had the best dream last night. my best friend came to know Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. it was amazing. it was beautiful. it gives me hope.

POW!

2007-04-16T21:50:52Z

our computer system is pretty amazing.

it makes life really simple.

until you make a really simple mistake, and then, POW! BAM! WOMP! this error screen pops up with this foreign SQL language and you can't do anything, cept look around, and only sometimes can you even look around.

I told my boss, I think that instead of giving us error messages, the system should just throw up those crazy and colorful POW! BAM! WOMP! signs, just like in the old Batman and Robin show.

that'd be so amazing.

but, my boss doesn't think so. she thinks she'd get scared and then angry, but at least now it gives you some coded reason for it's never ending wrath.

______________________________________

this makes me happy. Why? because I get to read my bible for the rest of the day, yay!

yea...

2007-04-16T18:07:16Z

i feel this huge wave of apologizing for everything, from my past, to my existence, coming on. i even feel like apologizing for writing this. sorry to burden you with, myself?

(i want to read my bible allllll daaaaaayyyy...)

this weekend:

2007-04-16T14:44:08Z

highs:

-BC1 went real well
-most awesome / Christian / blessed funeral I've ever been to.
-really, really good food. (i cooked a lot)
-our video was not played at church
-my mom came over and i helped her make a poster
-hung out with david and theresa

lows:

-jeremy had to work on and off all weekend
-the funeral, was a funeral
-missed pancake breakfast/praying
-fought with jer some
-got phycially and emotionally sick listening to my mom
-no room was made for God
-our video was not played at church

that's it!

note to self:

2007-04-13T20:03:01Z

he who conceals a transgression seeks love,
but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.

-proverbs 17:9

ok

2007-04-13T19:35:41Z

so i've been on myspace some today. I've been really really lazy about my hair today. I've been really not lazy about the house and food and laundry this week. i'm drinking lots of water with lime slices which is a mild form of lime-aid but not the stuff your buy in the store...

i'm having trouble focusing on God today, thats what I wanted to say.
(and i'm not disfiguering my face or pouring dust on my head or shouting it in the sinagogs, so this is cool right?) and i'm fasting today to pray about friends and neighbors and aquaintances and co workers. and i'm just sucking at it today.

but, just like when i was praying last night and i fell asleep, it feels like it counts (like God understands) to keep on trying even when its hard. just keep on, keepin on.

but i ask you, what do funerals and lonliness, have to do with a life finally organized and healthy and just really happy?

it's hard to remain in a place of concern and heart ache for those are hurting, when i am so far removed.

OH! i think i just realized why this is so hard: I have no contact with those who need, with serving God, with God in general.

and thats why it's so hard to get back. i'm coming. Lord, help me not to drag my feet.

yea...

2007-04-13T14:19:35Z

so today I'm trying to pray about all my friends, co-workers, and aquaintances. and i'm also trying not to say anything bad about people.

i'm not good at this, at work especially.

and i've been here 12 minutes and i've already said that someone is not right in the head. how nice is that?

ughhh. i'm still working.

what is that saying? something liek the work of the soul is never done, or really hard, or something...

oh wounds

2007-04-12T19:08:35Z

why must you run so deep? and why must you now look so small, but when looked at closer, still run so, so deep.

i'm learning

2007-04-10T20:33:59Z

i learned last night how to make a burrito bowl almost as awesome as the ones at Chipotle.

I learned on friday night where i was lacking as a wife, how meriful jeremy is, and how amazingly simple things can be.

i learned on sunday that i'm starting to be a mccool, not in a bad way. and that some people just need to feel compfy.

I learned yesterday that being nice, trying to learn people, and adjusting to that makes a world of difference.

i learned today that food is not the enemy, but great, in perfect moderation.

I'm learning to appreciate.

i'm learning to work.

I'm learning that it's a lot easier to work a little all the time, while your doing other things, than to ignore what you need to do, till it's crazy and hard.

i'm learning to relax.

I'm learning that every single day there is something to complain about and that every single day I will need to find my Rock again.

i'm learning to love Matthew (the book)

I'm learning to clean.

i'm learning to live.

lets play...

2007-04-04T17:53:00Z

wonderful and wierd!

wonderful: jeremy got his new job! he interviewed with one of the very tippy top people at APU today and the interview ended with a warm hand shake and a "welcome to the team"

wierd: Darlene, with church, just asked us to do a testamony video to play on Easter Sunday, one of the biggest church days of the whole year...

thought:

2007-04-03T17:55:34Z

if the punishment for eve's sin in cramps and pain in child bearing, and the punishment for adams sin/eve and adams sin is death, and then if you imagine what that really is, not the words, but what they are, with death and all the sadness, depression, mourning, pain, grief, and then all the crazy pain in cramps and giving birth and that women, tons of them, have died in child birth... if you seriously wrap your head around that...

...and then try to understand how much sin must hurt God, that one who loves us so much would send down consequences/punishmet for sin...

how is all this forgotten in flash, in a moment in less than a second, and how is it all forsaken for one fleeting glimpse of "pleasure" of "sin". how do we do it? how do we go from logical, calm, understanding, loving things to sinners when we know?

people are so complicated. and i guess this is why it's so easy to understand that we do, in fact, live in a world governed not by our God, but by His antithesis.

on days, and life, and events and God

2007-04-02T17:14:32Z

so jer and i had a lot of time to talk on our mini road trip. and we did. and while he was falling asleep, i told him all about this sermon I heard last week about working. it was about the verse that says slaves, obey your masters, and masters deal well with your servents. and how we, as modern workers, often view work as slave work. something we do not want to do, but something we are made to do. something we sometimes loath doing, simply because we have to do it, day in, day out. and this is why Jesus is so amazing and so relevant. He has set the captive free. He has set us all free by living in us, and making every single moment we live completely holy. we are walking temples. and, there fore, we can do all of our slave work unto the Lord. making every task, a privledge, a sacrifice, an honored service to give to our God. all the fruits of the spirit follow in the wake of seeing life as holy. it's amazing. it was a watershed moment for me.

and then, it's so easy to loosen the grasp on that reality.

and get really excited about events. about missions. about doing "things" for God. and I'm reminded of the countless conversations I've heard of people coming back from missions, or coming out of a fast, or coming out of a trial in which they were leaning on God. Where these peolpe say something like - God was doing some really amazing things. we had some hard ships, but it was truly fulfilling, and it was really amazing seeing what God was doing with all of us. and how He pulled through in providing _____ for us so we could ____.

and it makes me really sad. like really, really sad, that Christians as a whole aren't talking to eachother about every single day like everyday is a holy day. that people don't walk up to other Christians and ask how was your day, or how are you and get a response just like: well, it was really amazing, we were really stressed out and we each took an hour to pray and then we came together and we were fighting out of no where, and then we calmed down the fighting and got that under control, but we were stressed out again, and then I gave jeremy a hair cut and it came out kinda crappy which made us both more uptight and then, finally, we were going to take a shower and it jus stopped working. we still have water, but the water doesn't come out of the shower spout at all. and then we started laughing, because we were being tested and tempted to be in bad moods again, but the devil just got too darn obvious. and we laughed. and nothing bad happened again for the rest of the day. acctually, the rest of the day was really awesome.  it's amazing the hurdles we encounter when we try to get closer to God. it's amazing how rediculous those hurdles can be when our eyes are opened. God made us love David and Theresa's wedding, and that was really amazing for both of us. we were totally filled with love for the them, and wanting to see them love their wedding. and doing all we could to make that happen. it was a miracle. truly.

and as much as I would love to do big things, on big scales and see people set on fire for God all over the world, my heart is ever being shaped for service right here. in this very spot, in this very room, in this very life. and big Christian events are awesome in so, so many resects, but I remain leery of them, because I see so many people seeing God only in these events. and they are awakened for one night, one weekend, one week, and then they return home and fall back asleep, completely missing God everyday. and I remain completely passionate about awakening those sleepers. about seeing other people open their eyes, and seeing the spiritual civil war we live in every . single . day. and, I remain completely passionate about seeing this lived out in my own life. where I would view every moment as a moment lived for my God, dr's visit as taking care of His vessel that I'm borrowing, going to work as rolling up my sleves and serving my boss in the name of my God, eating as taking care of His vessel, talking as speaking His love and hope and Gospel with everyone.

my life is His, it's time I lived like I mean it.

altogethrheathr @ 2007-04-02T07:45:00

2007-04-02T14:46:47Z

it says: I closed my eyes on my way to work, for just a second, and this is all i saw

right now

2007-03-30T17:10:40Z

Jeremy is interviewing for his new position with the top bosses! yippee!

that's his big thing that he's been sorta dreading today about. and me, i have to go to the "girl" Dr this afternoon and that's what I'm dreading.

BUT - we both have all our reading done for tonite and our house is pretty clean, just need to do some vacuuming. AND once our dreaded thigns are over all we have is fun stuff! and then CAMPING! yes!

and I happen to be kicking serious butt at work today. being very detail orientated, which is not my strong point. but I'm doing good! so, i'm off, back to work.

adios!

2007-03-29T19:06:19Z

to night i say good bye to..

!! my television !!

Jeremy acctually brought it up and said, we should get rid of the tv. and, since I've been thinking about it all week, guess who is putting the tv in the back of the closet tonite! I think it's important to keep it around, not get rid of it completely, incase we need it for like a movie or something, i dunno. jer thinks we should completely rid our lives of it. but whatever happens, i'm pulling the plug on it tonite!

oh the liberation...

you never let me down

2007-03-29T17:41:17Z

psalm 39 - well part of it

    1I said, "I will guard my ways
         That I may not sin with my tongue;
         I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle
         While the wicked are in my presence."
    2I was mute and silent,
         I refrained even from good,
         And my sorrow grew worse.
    3My heart was hot within me,
         While I was musing the fire burned;
         Then I spoke with my tongue:
    4"LORD, make me to know my end
         And what is the extent of my days;
         Let me know how transient I am.
    5"Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths,
         And my lifetime as nothing in Your sight;
         Surely every man at his best is a mere breath. Selah.
    6"Surely every man walks about as a phantom;
         Surely they make an uproar for nothing;
         He amasses riches and does not know who will gather them.
    7"And now, Lord, for what do I wait?
         My hope is in You.
    8"Deliver me from all my transgressions;
         Make me not the reproach of the foolish.

is it wierd?

2007-03-28T20:45:49Z

i'm soooo excited to go camping this weekend!! and so is jeremy. man, oh man. sitting. outside. doing nothing. looking at trees. man, oh man.

i feel snuggly

2007-03-27T20:24:12Z

so our cat, clyde, who i've taken up calling cola which stemmed from co-lyde, bites a lot. and by a lot i mean, pretty much all the time. it's like someone took the cuddle out of her and replaced it with attatck cat. and, although playing, pounce on the people with clyde is a lot of fun especially when she just like wraps herself and around your arm for a split second and then jumps up and takes off, it's wierd that she doesn't cuddle. she's a cat. but, there is one thing in our apartment that she cuddles with. my sanctuary blanket. it's the softest thing in the house. if i'm under it, she bites it cause i'm moving underneath it. but if no one is around, she kneads it and purrs really really loud and closes her eyes, and acts like a cat. the cuddly cat, it's in there, and i'm gunna draw it out one day.

for now, i feel like her. i don't want to snuggle with jeremy. i just want to snuggle with my sanctuary blanket and purr really loud. and read. do you ever get the feeling of being under a security blanket while reading something? i do when i read the bible. it's super compfy. and my book is all worn and soft. and the pages don't stick together. it's pretty great. i think i'll do that when i get home. after i get the house clean. i'll sit in our new-to-us pink chair with candles all around (but not on the table...) and some hot tea and my artichoke and a dish of butter. it'll be amazing. i love artichokes. especially the heart. mmmm... and it'll be great. i'll get all my reading done for today. and maybe more. and then i'll go pick up jeremy. no...

then i'll make a checklist for one day/one night camping. we are doing that this weekend. well, sat night to sunday. and it's just gunna be me and jeremy. it's gunna be sabbath for us. sabbath on a lake. can't do anything allll day. 'cept sit around, fish, look at the ducks, walk on a short trail. i'm excited. i can't wait. but, there is planning to do. like when to do the laundry. when food to bring that will need minimal amounts of cooking - if any. how many blankets should we bring? where will we get one day fishing licenses? what will we do with a fish? probably throw it back.... we need lots of stuff too like fire wood, marshmallows, something to teach us how to fish, food. it's gunna be super rad.

mis ojos

2007-03-26T16:16:05Z

are focused on coveting clothes, things in magazines, all sorts of stuff. but coveting, thats the thing.

i've been toying with really watching what i spend my money on as far as clothes, house decor, accesories, and the like goes. and then, if I can keep from spending anything for a month, I get $10. maybe $15. i'm still toying, so i don't know. and then continuing that forever. so that at the end of the year I'd have like $120 or $180 to spend however I want, and no more. and there would be no obsessing. there would just be saving, saving, saving, and denying myself the pivledge of browsing and window shopping and planning. and then, for like one day every 6 months or so, i could go out and spend and look and seek and find and lust for and covet. because, i know, that if I hold off for that long, clothes just aren't that cool when you having been obsessing. and i'll not only save money, but wean myself from being way too into it.

but, i'm still toying.